My kids have had a consistent bedtime routine from the time they are two months old. As babies and toddlers it is pretty straightforward and gives them the security of a little predictability. Both of my children so far have thrived on this kind of schedule.
As they grow into more independent beings capable of communicating and reasoning, a certain amount of flexibility enters the bedtime arena. However, there are a few areas that are not open to compromise.
- Bedtime is non-negotiable.
I don’t care if it is summer and it is still light out. I don’t care if you’re “not tired”.
I’ve read the research and I’ve learned from my own experience. The later they stay up, the harder it is for them to fall asleep and the worse they sleep. If my oldest is in bed by 8, she sleeps peacefully. If she goes down between 8:30-9:15 we usually have at least two bad dreams and one bathroom break. After 9:15, forget it. She ends up screaming in her sleep every couple hours all night. The less they sleep, the less sleep I get, and the harder the days are. And the harder the next evening’s bedtime is.
No matter how intelligent and rational a child is, they cannot make good choices when they are over tired. It’s a vicious cycle. Obviously every now and then, if it is a special event and we have nothing going on the next day, we might break our own rule. Contrary to popular belief, I’m not a bedtime meanie just because it is fun. It’s because it’s what our children need to actually have real fun. When they get to stay up late, often end-of-the-day exhaustion puts a damper on the “special occasion” anyway, and the price we pay the next day just isn’t worth it.
- Bedtime routine is non-negotiable.
If you wait until you have brushed your teeth and are tucked in bed to ask for a snack, you are not getting a snack.
This may sound mean, but I know my child is capable of understanding when the appropriate time to ask for something is. The first few times it happened, I caved and gave her a snack but I clearly communicated that it wouldn’t always work that way. I also know she is capable of using requests as a way to delay and postpone bedtime. Any parent who’s seen this routine in action knows how frustrating it can be. I don’t want the last few minutes of her day to be me being frustrated with her. So the rules are simple and clear. She knows if she wants a snack she has to ask before her teeth are brushed.
- Cuddles and conversation are not unlimited.
This may sound like the cruelest one of all, but trust me. I set boundaries because I love them. As a mom of all girls, I’m all too familiar with how many feelings girls have. Especially if they are tired. So bedtime is prime time for us to need a lot of emotional attention. We miss everyone who isn’t in bed with us at that moment. We miss pets that died when we were two. We miss relatives we’ve never even met. We miss our old car. We miss the birthday balloons that ran out of helium and withered six months ago. These are all real examples. I could not make this up.
So I cuddle her and I hug her and kiss her and tell her it will be all right. But there are some nights where the more snuggles I give her the more snuggles she needs. She will work herself up to a full blown crying mess unless I draw the line. There have been many evenings I’ve had to kiss her and hug her and walk out of the room to the sound of her whimpering because it’s the only way she will calm down and go to sleep. It sucks every time. I camp out outside her door to make sure she winds down and falls asleep. But I don’t know any other way. It doesn’t do any of us any good for her to stay up crying when I know that the waterfall of feelings is only happening because she’s exhausted and needs to sleep.
- Their sleep is for their benefit and for mine.
I’m always happy to explain to my child why bedtime is so important for her health and her brain and her ability to manage her feelings, etc. Our routine exists so that she gets what she needs and can be her best self. But I’m also not afraid to remind her that bedtime isn’t just about her. The few hours mommy gets in the evening to herself are necessary in order for me to be a good mommy during the day. She is old enough to understand that we don’t take things that don’t belong to us, and my me time in the evening is mine. She isn’t allowed to take what isn’t hers. Obviously if I know she needs me and I know that I can help, I will choose her. But if it’s one of those evenings where she just wants me to stand next to her bed all night so that she doesn’t have to miss me, then sorry, but no. Sacrificing my sanity, especially if it’s not actually benefitting her, is a waste of both our time.
Every parent has a different approach to bedtime and that is great. Because every parent knows their children best. Some kids can stay up late and they will sleep in and be fine. Some kids, if they stay up late, get up even earlier and turn into maniacal little animals who then refuse to nap or sleep for the next 72 hours. Lucky for me, that’s how our dice landed. So for us, loving our children and keeping our family sanity means being “mean” at bedtime. And I’m ok with that.
Great post! I am awful at sticking with the routine – especially during the summer. My son starts kindergarten next month, so we will try to get back on track one of these days!
Haha, I can relate! And you’re so right. There’s a sweet spot for bedtime, and, if you miss it, the whole night will be thrown off. Thanks for the encouragement to stay strong. 🙂
Bedtime is a love and hate relationship. I hate the constant back and forth bargaining but I also love the time of stopping and being present with each other. Sometimes I am in survival mode during the day and bedtime makes me stop, cuddle, and spend time together before we start a new day. Thanks for sharing this post!
I totally agree! Sometimes even though I’m usually exhausted by then it’s the most quality time we have all day since we are finally slowing down.