We never really decided to have baby #3. I like to joke that it is nice of her to have taken the pressure off of me to decide. I think if I had had the chance to consciously make a decision to try for a third I would have decided to. But who knows.
To be honest with you, I never really expected to want a big family. Back when I had my first child, I never could have imagined having three.
So when she made her presence known, I swore that that was it and repeatedly declared I would not only having my tubes tied during my c-section, but would be having them removed and framed in a shadow box where I could keep an eye on them.
But then pregnancy got complicated and delivery got moved up and maybe it’s normal to hesitate before closing the door on this chapter of life or maybe it was hormones, but I kept resisting the final decision. When I expressed my concerns to my OB, she reminded me that I’m only 30. That four years from now when my youngest is nearing Kindergarten age I may decide our family isn’t complete. By then we would be out of the toddler and baby stage, everyone would be potty trained, and everyone would (most likely) be sleeping. Things may look different.
That made a lot of sense to me. Sure I may not be anywhere near ready to go through pregnancy again anytime soon. But four years from now? What if we decide we want another baby?
So the c-section passed and my tubes remained intact. But because being done was still the logical decision, permanent family planning measures were still on the table and would now fall to my husband. He graciously accepted the responsibility and made the appointment.
And. I’m still not sure.
I know that I can’t handle another pregnancy in the near future. I know that I definitely can’t handle an oops. With a six year old, one year old, and seven week old, my hands are full.
But am I really ready to be DONE? Am I really ready to close the door on this whole phase of my life? Am I really ready to never see those two blue lines again? Never feel the nervous anticipation waiting to hear a heartbeat? Never feel a baby kick inside me?
Surely hormones are at least partly to blame for this conflict. The most recent pregnancy was no picnic. I stared at my ankles for a full two weeks after they returned to normal size (nearly a month after delivery) and I just now regained feeling in my fingers thanks to pregnancy-induced carpal tunnel. And now we are in the deep dark no-sleep stage of raising a newborn. If there was EVER a time when I was going to be ready to throw in the towel it should be now, right??
My brain has a million reasons why we should be done. They are all really good reasons. We are so blessed with the children we have. I can’t imagine needing more.
And yet, I can’t imagine not having the choice.
I guess I expected to feel totally on board with this decision. My brain is. But my heart isn’t. My sentimental, nostalgic, carefree heart isn’t ready to be done. Because being done with this phase of life means the next one is coming. And the next one will be beautiful and wonderful and amazing.
But then it too will pass.
Being done means there is an expiration date on “little” in our house. An expiration date on baby carriers and nursing and bottles. An expiration date on snuggly blankies and footie pajamas.
My heart cannot handle the end of footie pajamas, y’all.
The truth is, I’m never going to be ready for them to grow up. My heart is never going to be “done”. This is the first example in a long line of examples to come of mama dragging her feet kicking and screaming into the next phase of life. I probably should be handling this with a little more grace. But I don’t wanna. (Insert arms crossed pout face.)
So there.
I don’t know what the right choice is in this circumstance. I don’t know whether decision should come down to my head or my heart. I don’t know whether or not this decision will be any easier if I put it off for five more years. I’m guessing not.
What I do know is that this phase in life–this amazing and challenging phase of creating new life–will eventually pass, whether I want it to or not.
Sometimes choices in life are obvious, and sometimes they will never be, no matter how you spin it. Sometimes you simply have to admit that you may never know the right choice, and instead just roll the dice in the direction of the future as best you can.
And sometimes you just run out of time to overthink it because it’s time to drive your husband to his appointment.
Anyone else feel conflicted about this decision? What did you do?