The youngest’s fever was gone yesterday and is back today. We are in the thick of cold season in the midst of a pandemic. My kids have already missed multiple days of school and we are two weeks into the semester. It feels like my husband and I don’t even sleep in the same bed anymore because one of us is always up monitoring a fever or a stuffy nose in the night.
The thermometer that used to live in the medicine cabinet now lives on my nightstand. The airpods that I used to plug in downstairs on our charging station come upstairs with me each night because there have been many, many nights where I find myself turning on an audiobook or a video in the middle of the night as I lay awake with a sick kid in our bed next to me. The books on my nightstand are mostly unread because I don’t have the brain power to concentrate.
I don’t like it when my kids are sick. Even with a simple cold. My anxiety doesn’t like that they always get sick on a Friday evening and I’m left wondering for the weekend whether or not to wait for the pediatrician to reopen Monday or do something sooner. My anxiety doesn’t like feeling powerless. My sanity doesn’t like the constant sleep disruption and emotional toll that illness on top of the already 24/7 caring for children that is motherhood brings. And in seasons like this where it feels like one illness after another after another I run out of sanity quickly.
And also, I know how ridiculous it is to whine so much about my kids having a simple cold. I know this is a normal part of life and building immune systems. I know that there are parents who would give anything for their kids to only have a simple cold. I know that one week of illness is such a small stretch of time compared to what some families face with children with health issues.
It’s not a competition. I know that. Having sick kids is hard no matter how simple or complicated it is, and I’m not suggesting anyone pretend otherwise. I’m just reminding myself that sometimes when you’re in it, you’re in it and you can’t see out. And then when you come back out you feel silly that you couldn’t see the bigger picture. But I think that’s how it’s supposed to be. I think that’s the only way we get to see the bigger picture is by realizing when we are not.