I’ve been struggling with something lately and haven’t been able to quite put it into words, but today I might have figured it out. (Full disclosure: this post is essentially just a transcript of the pep talk I’m giving myself, published on the Internet for your viewing pleasure.)
I’ve got a lot going on right now. I’m taking graduate classes that are requiring more of my time than I had anticipated. I’m part of a catalyst group that is helping me think about personal goals, and as a result, I’m spending weekends at group retreats and writing retreats and making plans for more time away for working and learning. I have writing projects in the works. I just wrapped up a job where I got to help plan a conference for college faculty, which was a blast.
My point is, there are a lot of things competing for my time right now.
For the last two years, motherhood had been the biggest thing on my priority list. I spent a solid four of the last five years being pregnant or nursing a baby, so retreats and girls trips and projects had to take a back seat. But now the kids are a bit older, a bit more independent. They don’t necessarily need my attention every minute of the day. They can play with each other, entertain themselves for short periods of time. (Maybe it’s even good for them…?)
So my parenting role is slowly changing, opening up little spaces for me to also be a human outside of parenting. Balancing parenting with all the other things humans do with their lives is a challenge for everyone, and I think because overcomplicating things is a particular skill of mine, I tend to apply it to this situation as well. How do I do that, you ask?
Sometimes I find myself unconsciously believing that if I’m going to continue to be a stay-at-home parent, it should be my only priority. Every moment during the day should be stories and games and project. Then every time I prioritize something else–pay attention to something else–I feel guilty. Like I’m not holding up my end of the bargain.
So let’s just take a moment to talk about how ridiculous that idea is. First of all, my kids are always going to be my biggest priority. Not just because I stay home, but because that’s how it works for parents, whether they work outside the home or not. When your kids need you in the night, they are more important than your sleep. When your kids are sick, you do what you can to drop everything and care for them. You do what you need to do to feed them and clothe them and keep them happy. When they need you, you are there. In every parent’s heart, it all comes down to their kids.
And, they are not lacking in attention. Every time they need a hug, every time they need a bandaid or a drink or a play buddy, I am there. Or if I’m not, my husband, or my parents, or someone who can be any of those things for them. To not be the center of my attention every moment of the day doesn’t hurt them in the least.
The reality is, sometimes other things need to be a priority, too. Sometimes I choose working on my homework over building a block tower for the three hundredth time. Sometimes I spend a weekend away to focus or recharge. Sometimes what I need or even want is a priority, too. And THAT IS FINE, YOU GUYS. There’s no rule that says I have to give my kids 100% of my attention all day long to be a good parent.
It’s fine to let my kids play on their own for a while during the day, even if it means letting them be bored sometimes. It’s fine to lean on my husband for help so that I can step away for a bit. It’s fine for me to let other priorities exist sometimes. It’s good for them to see me doing other things.
My kids will always be my biggest priority, but they don’t need to be the only priority I have. And I’d be willing to bet we will ALL be better off because of it.
Thanks for tuning in to this week’s pep talk. I’m sure I will be needing another one soon. 😉