It started with a little “stranger anxiety”. I didn’t think much of it since it’s a pretty normal developmental milestone. Gradually it got a little worse. She didn’t like it when new people would come to our house so she would get upset and cry. She didn’t like new places or places with a lot of noise.
Around the same time I started noticing that she wasn’t saying as much as she probably should be for being almost two. So we started speech therapy.
After a year of speech therapy, she had improved the amount of language she had by more than I could have expected. We could understand most of what she said and she could easily ask for what she wanted and share what she saw and what she was feeling. It was a huge improvement.
The increased ability to communicate helped with some things. She started to enjoy venturing out for new things like going to the museum and the grocery store. She was able to filter out the commotion in crowded places better and meltdowns become almost uncommon (especially considering the fact that some meltdowns are normal during toddlerhood).
We also learned some other things about her as time went on. For example, she is very good at spotting things that most other people don’t notice. But she struggles with looking people in the eyes. She can say a lot of words and communicate pretty well. But sometimes it seems like she is trying to get all her thoughts out and once and it all gets jumbled.
She’s brilliant in so many ways. She remembers things. She’s acutely aware of her surroundings. She’s kind and thoughtful and knows things that her very social sister didn’t know at her age.
And there are things that she struggles with. Maybe it’s just normal, personality-centered challenges (a.k.a. perhaps she’s just shy). Maybe she just hasn’t had the chance to be around other peers her age yet. Maybe it’s something more that that.
Regardless of the explanation, I’m in uncharted territory when it comes to parenting this kiddo. With her older sister, it seemed like the things that were challenging for her were things I could understand. But with this kiddo, I don’t always understand what’s going on.
It’s a hard thing, to not understand what’s going on with your own kiddo. It’s hard because it opens up a whole world of unknowns. Will she grow out of these challenges or will they become more pronounced? What will she be like as a Kindergartener? As a high schooler? As an adult? With my oldest I took for granted the ability to predict what typical development would look like.
And because there are things that I don’t know as a parent, I tend to overcompensate by clinging to what I do know.
For instance, I’m really good at interpreting what she is saying. Since I’m around her all the time, I know that when she starts talking about “banana swirl” that she is referring to an episode of Daniel Tiger. And when she mentions “sticks” she is talking about what they did in gymnastics four days ago. I want her to know that what she says and thinks matters, so I make sure she is understood.
I also know how to diffuse a meltdown. I can tell whether she is tired or overwhelmed. I know how to use questions to help her feel more in control and how to distract her long enough for her to regain her emotional footing.
I know how to help her with these things. So I do.
This week it was time to go to toddler playgroup and she was tired. I was working on getting her dressed and she wasn’t having it. I started to use my normal tactics to help her calm down.
And then I stopped.
She has come so far in the last year. She’s growing and adapting and learning how to handle every challenge we have thrown at her. She’s doing it.
So long as I’m not doing it for her.
As I got ready to help her navigate the storm of her own feelings, I realized that she was probably capable of navigating it with more independence than I was giving her. She didn’t need me to help her calm back down. She would get there on her own. If I let her.
So I sat calmly on the floor while she stomped and flopped. And when there was a little break in the chaos I offered a few words of encouragement. That I could see she was upset. That it’s okay to be upset sometimes. And that she would feel better soon.
And pretty soon she did. We got dressed and we went to playgroup.
As I sat there waiting, watching her slowly wind down and get herself back under control, I realized that I’ve probably been underestimating her. For a while, she needed my help with a lot of things. But she has learned so much. And while she still needs my help with a lot of things, they aren’t necessarily the same things that they were a year ago.
In other words, it’s time to reassess what I could trust her to do for herself.
Because as a parent, I think trusting her is just as important as helping her. When I trust her ability to handle something herself, then she learns to trust herself. She learns that she is strong and capable. When I let her struggle to be understood, she learns that she is capable of figuring out a way to be understood without needing me there to translate.
Basically, I haven’t been trusting her when I should be. And in the process, I learned that just because I can help her doesn’t mean she needs me to.